It's been awhile.....

   It's been awhile, about 3 years actually. I've thought about picking this blog back up a hundred times and obviously I finally did. 

    I typically kept this blog restricted to an educational resource based style for those looking to adventure off the beaten path. Today I'm going to take us in a bit of a different direction. 

   I've done a lot in the time I've been gone and traveled many miles in more than one way. One of the places I found myself..... was lost. 

   I became an Ambassador to an outdoor blog for women, rose in the ranks to run day to day operations, and while it was an amazing adventure, road tripping across the country, making new life long friends, working with/meeting amazing women, and enjoying new adventures I thought I'd never get too, it was also when I lost myself. 

   There was always major pressure to be nice, incessant whining, contradictory actions regarding operations, constant bombardment of notications, people being critical of your work both behind the scenes and on the front lines. It was trying to say the least, despite it all, I stuck it out because I believed in what the blog was about. 

 

   You're next question I'm sure, what happened? Well making to the top isn't all it's cracked up to be for the aforementioned reasons, but also being at the top affords you a different perspective on many things. Sentiments of care seemed perfunctory, alterior motives became clear, and an obvious lack of appreciation of more than just myself was revealed to a level of actual disrespect. All of this is without mention of the lack of leadership and guidance by the founder, in fact, an almost complete absenteeism. The cracks that seemed small at ground level were now from the top, huge gaping Canyons that traced the entire landscape.

    Fractured was my reality, broken was my spirit and pure disappointment rattled my core. Despite it all, I respectfully resigned my position and held my head high because I knew I had done my best, given my all and done it all while being genuine. 

    Resignation isn't in me, I'm a fighter through and through but you also have to be able to accept certain things and certain people as they are. There is no change for them, only years of wind and water could move their hearts and my waters just don't run deep enough at my age for things that had become so blatantly disingenuous. 

  Do I regret it? Absolutely not, it was one amazing adventure where I was apart of something I never imagined I could be. I made amazing friends, worked with such capable strong women but it also helped me realize I didn't need to be apart of it to keep doing what I do and that's inspiring others to have their own adventures. 

  leading a group paddle trip with beginners

  I kept in touch with many of my fellow Ambassadors/co-workers as well, even meeting up to adventure with them or act as guide for them after my departure and had no harsh feelings for their continued involvement. It took a little awhile but almost every single one of those also left the blog on their own accord, for their own reasons, and in their own time. That spoke volumes to me, it affirmed my thoughts and actions. 

   I've drifted now from them for sometime while rediscovering myself but that isn't quite right or moreover not where I stopped. I kept going once I found myself again and also discovered my worth. I've always lacked confidence and had low self esteem in more ways than just appearances. I realize now my worth is much much more than I ever imagined it to be, that I am in control, and I make the rules.  It's a very powerful feeling, I've spoke of something akin to it in an article I did for the major blog once, but I hadn't yet truly achieved it. I thought I had, but it took a vast amount realization, awareness and acknowledgement of conditions to unequivocally reach what was undoubtedly my worth. 

   I am more me than I ever have been and unapologetically so. Does that makes sense? I am uncensored, raw, real and an enigma all rolled in one big contradictory ball which my clumsy self will probably trip over. I value people for who they are, the beauty of their souls which is reflected in their genuineness, sense of humor, and treatment of others. I am fascinated and continually enamored by people while desperately needing to depart their company to seek solace in the wilds of nature. 

   Reflection of trees on Cumberland River

  I wonder now how to reconnect with those I drifted from. I also wonder how they'd react to the new me. There are some I doubt it would shock very much and those are the ones I want at my side for they saw my worth from the onset.